A Page From the Life of a Parent With ADHD
“I desperately want to help my child.
So I go to the meeting. I read the email. I listen to the recommendations. I buy the planner. I download the app. I make the chart.
And somewhere inside I’m thinking:
Are you kidding me?
Because almost every solution being offered requires me to carry the executive load.
And I am already having enough trouble remembering my own stuff.
My child has ADHD. And surprise, surprise, ADHD is genetic. I have it too.
So when I can’t do all the things expected of me by the school, my partner, my family, or myself, something deeper than frustration shows up.
Shame.
The familiar kind.
You should be able to do this.
You’re smart enough.
You have so much potential.
And that may be the hardest part.
I am trying. Really trying.
But somehow I am still not meeting the expectations of the people around me, or my own.
I know what I am supposedly capable of.
Sometimes I can even explain exactly what I should be doing.
And then I still don’t do it.
Or I start and don’t finish.
Or I forget.
Or something else becomes urgent and the whole system falls apart.
After enough of that, the conclusion doesn’t feel like:
My brain has difficulty with executive functioning.
It feels like:
I am a failure.
That is shame.”
I hear versions of this story often from parents with ADHD.
Shame is what happens when “I am struggling with this” becomes “there is something wrong with me.”
I forgot becomes I’m irresponsible.
I couldn’t get started becomes I’m lazy.
I became overwhelmed becomes I’m a bad parent.
And parenting can bring old ADHD shame roaring back.
Because now it is not just your own appointments, deadlines, routines, and responsibilities you are trying to manage.
You are also helping another person manage theirs.
A child with ADHD may need more support with planning, remembering, transitions, emotional regulation, school demands, and follow-through. But when the parent also has ADHD, many of those same tasks may already be difficult for them.
So the parent is being asked to use their own executive functioning to compensate for someone else’s executive-functioning difficulties.
And when they cannot do that consistently, the shame can become enormous.
I should be better at this.
Other parents seem to manage it.
My child is struggling because I cannot get it together.
Maybe I am failing them.
This is why I keep thinking about EASE: not as a way to lower expectations, but as a way to reduce shame, lower friction, and build support around how a family actually functions.
”You Have So Much Potential”
Many people with ADHD grew up hearing:
Pay attention.
Why did you forget again?
You’re so capable.
You have so much potential.
Those words may have been intended as encouragement.
But when someone is already trying hard and still struggling, you have so much potential can begin to sound like an accusation.
If I have all this potential and I still can’t consistently do what people expect of me, what does that say about me?
Over time, a brain-based struggle can become a character judgment.
And then that child grows up.
Sometimes that child becomes a parent.
Then We Ask the Parent to Become the Executive Functioning System
This is where our systems can unintentionally make things worse.
A child struggles with executive functioning.
So we give the parent more executive-functioning responsibilities.
Check the portal.
Monitor assignments.
Create the routine.
Track medication.
Remember appointments.
Prepare for transitions.
Stay calm.
Stay consistent.
Follow through.
For some families, these strategies work.
But what happens when the parent also has ADHD?
Research suggests that parental ADHD symptoms can make it harder to consistently carry out behavioral parenting strategies, even when parents understand and value those strategies.
That does not mean the parent is not trying.
It means we may be asking an already overloaded executive-functioning system to carry even more executive functioning.
That distinction matters.
Maybe We Are Asking the Wrong Question
Instead of asking:
How do we get this parent to be more consistent?
What if we asked:
How can we make the system require less executive functioning from everyone?
Because many of these parents have been trying harder their entire lives.
They may not need another complicated behavior system.
They may not need another beautifully laminated chart that depends on them remembering to use the chart.
They may not need to leave another school meeting, pediatrician’s office, or therapy session with a longer list of things they are supposed to be doing better.
Maybe we need to change the approach.
If we keep giving ADHD families tools built around neurotypical executive functioning, watch those tools fail, and then ask the parent to become more organized, disciplined, and consistent, we are the ones repeating ourselves and expecting a different result.
Capacity Before Character
This is one of the ideas at the heart of the EASE framework.
Rather than beginning with:
Why aren’t you doing this?
We can begin with:
What is making this hard?
What demands are being placed on this family?
What executive functions does this task require?
What can be simplified?
What can be automated?
What can be moved out of the brain and into the environment?
What can someone else carry?
And what can we stop doing altogether?
The goal is not to remove every expectation.
It is to create conditions in which success becomes more possible.
In real life, that might mean asking whether the problem is remembering, starting, shifting, tolerating frustration, or knowing what to do next. It might mean putting the reminder somewhere visible instead of relying on memory, reducing the number of steps, creating a body double, setting up a shared check-in, or deciding that one expectation can wait.
The question becomes less, “Why can’t we just do this?” and more, “What would make this easier to begin, easier to return to, or easier to repair when it falls apart?”
Shame Is Not an Executive-Functioning Strategy
We cannot shame a brain into better working memory.
We cannot criticize someone into better time awareness.
And we cannot help a child develop a healthier relationship with ADHD while the parent is quietly drowning in their own shame.
This is why I believe we need approaches built with ADHD families rather than simply prescribed to them.
Approaches that recognize the strengths already present - creativity, humor, spontaneity, problem-solving, flexibility, and connection - while building support around the places where executive functioning gets in the way.
And most importantly, approaches that remember what all these strategies are supposed to protect:
the relationship between the parent and the child.
When both members of the parent-child dyad are struggling with executive functioning, regulation, overwhelm, and shame, the goal cannot simply be better compliance or a more organized household.
The goal is less friction.
More understanding.
More repair.
More moments of success.
More connection.
That is the mission behind the EASE framework.
To Explore what is happening before assuming someone is failing: What is hard about this task? What is being asked of this child’s brain, this parent’s brain, and this family system?
To Anchor when overwhelm and reactivity take over: What helps everyone pause, breathe, regulate, or come back after the moment has gone sideways?
To Shape the environment so success does not depend on willpower and executive functioning alone: What can be simplified, automated, made visible, practiced, shared, or removed?
And to Engage with one another with more curiosity, collaboration, and connection: How do we protect the relationship while we solve the problem?
We cannot keep giving ADHD families the same tools, watching them struggle to use them, and concluding that the families are the problem.
We need better tools.
Tools designed with these families in mind.
Because ultimately, the measure of success is not a perfect planner, an empty school portal, or a flawless morning routine.
It is whether a parent and child experience less shame and conflict, and more understanding, trust, connection, and ease with one another.